Peaceful Co-Parenting For Dummies

I’d like to preface this post by saying that peaceful co-parenting is totally possible even if you don’t get along with your ex.

It sounds crazy. I mean, the last thing you want to do when you end a relationship is continue to see that person on a regular basis. And if the breakup was especially cataclysmic? It can seem impossible that peace would ever exist between the two of you. You might be thinking peaceful co-parenting is laughable. Well, you’re wrong.

Let’s flashback to May 2018.

Barely over a year ago, but it feels like a whole other lifetime! Elsie’s dad and I had a rather dramatic and abrupt end to our two year relationship. After a couple days to cool off, he came over so we could talk about how to navigate parenting. We planned a 50/50 parenting schedule for two weeks or so in advance. We decided we would split daycare costs evenly and do whatever was necessary to avoid court and ensuing drama.

It wasn’t a fun conversation by any means; we were both still hurt. I was pissed off to the point where I wanted to take our daughter, get full custody, and only let him see her on court ordered days. Those feelings continued for a few months, if I’m honest. But deep down I knew how selfish it was of me to try to deny Elsie the chance to grow up with both parents.

While I’m not an expert by any means, I do believe we have done a far better job of co-parenting than our own divorced parents.

That’s not to say our parents were terrible at it, just that there were definitely areas that needed improvement. For instance, my own father actually following through with plans to pick me up. But I digress. The first – and most important – rule of peaceful co-parenting?

Always put your child first.

My negative feelings toward Elsie’s dad were not as important as her having the opportunity to build a relationship with him. Plain and simple. If the other parent has the desire to be in the picture, let them. Your child will form their own opinions and feelings about them, good or bad. And if you decide to keep your child from the other parent… Well, that will only hurt your relationship with your child in the future.

Now, that’s not to say you should allow your ex around your child if he/she is abusive or harmful to them. A line should absolutely be drawn in those cases. Use your best judgment to determine what is best for your child in regard to their safety. But don’t keep them apart simply out of your own selfishness or spite.

Keep the lines of communication open.

Splitting up with your child’s other parent doesn’t mean you can avoid them like you would any other ex. Nope, you still have to deal with them for the rest of your child’s life. Or at least until they’re 18 – after that, only for major life events such as graduation, marriage, and grandchildren.

Even though your first instinct may be to ignore their texts or calls, don’t. They have an equal right to your child. Peaceful co-parenting means recognizing that, and continuing to talk on a regular basis. After all, you need to be on the same page especially as your child gets older and requires discipline.

Be direct in your communication, but never rude or passive aggressive.

Remember, you are raising a child together. There is no reason to instigate drama for the sake of drama. No matter what happened in your relationship, it’s over and unimportant. Focus on saying what you mean, in a civil manner. You don’t have to be friends, but you do have to be nice.

Never speak negatively about your ex in front of your child.

If there was one thing that really made me not want to visit my father (aside from his drunkenness) it was the way he spoke about my mom when I was with him. I knew my mom and the type of person she was; hearing his twisted version of the truth only made me distrust him. While he was trying to get me on his side, he failed to realize he was only pushing me away.

This is one lesson learned that I am very careful to heed. Though there were plenty of bad comments to be made about my relationship with my ex, none of them were worth repeating to our daughter. I have found myself cutting conversations short when others would say something pointedly negative about her dad in front of her.

It is nobody’s place to shape her view of him but her own.

Her truth is what matters, and I know that he is a great dad to her. He puts her first, and at the end of the day, that’s the only trait of his that I care about. A child does not need their relationship with a parent poisoned by someone else’s version of history, no matter what the truth is. End of story.

Set clear boundaries and expectations.

Peaceful co-parenting means understanding and accepting that your parenting styles may be different and you cannot control what happens at the other household. However, you should do your best to be on the same page as much as possible.

For instance, we made sure we each knew the chain of command if there was an emergency. We also managed minor things like scheduling specific nights for baths, or what new foods she would try. And we tried to stick to the same bedtime schedule for consistency, since we switched her back and forth every couple of days.

Plan a long-term schedule.

In the beginning, we didn’t know what our schedules would look like. I was working full time and still in school full time, having to commute an hour to campus and back multiple times a week. Initially we just picked days sporadically to switch off, and that worked for a while. When my fall semester started, we scheduled specific days to be static and ones to alternate. We also planned holidays well in advance, mainly choosing based off of the state visitation guidelines.

Having a set schedule in place made it easier to plan our own lives too. I knew what nights I would have Elsie and when I didn’t. So I was able to make plans with friends or family without stressing about working out the schedule with her dad later.

Be considerate of each other’s lives.

Not every scheduled date has worked out, though. There have been times when something came up at the last minute. So we had to deal with changing the plan. But we both are able to understand that sometimes things just happen and you can’t prevent it. It’s never a big deal. We don’t get angry or upset about having to cancel something at the last minute because – as stated at the beginning – our child is our first priority.

The longer we have co-parented, the easier it’s become to manage the exceptions.

When I got sick last year and didn’t have the energy to get up let alone take care of Elsie, her dad kept her an extra day. Any time we have a schedule conflict pop up with work or something else, we swap days without a problem. Or if he’s working late and can’t pick Elsie up from daycare in time? I’ll bring her home with me until he is able to come get her.

The most important thing to remember with peaceful co-parenting is that you can’t control everything. As long as you are putting your child first and doing your best to compromise and work with your ex, it really isn’t that difficult.

Obviously there are some people who are impossible to co-parent with due to their own behaviors.

I wish I had advice on how to handle that, but I don’t. I am thankful that my ex is easy to co-parent with, and we are both blessed to have partners who are equally supportive and willing to step into a parenting role without question. It takes a special kind of person to be a parent to a child who isn’t biologically their own. Elsie is a very lucky girl to be loved by so many people who have a great relationship with one another.

So, tell me in the comments: What helps or has helped you with peaceful co-parenting?