Red Flags In Relationships: Know When To Walk Away

It’s no secret that I’ve had my fair share of bad relationships full of red flags.

I’m not saying my exes were entirely to blame for my past relationships not working out… But it’s true that I ignored a lot of red flags just for the sake of not being alone. Hey, I’m only human, you know?

While some of the red flags were more blatantly obvious than others, I didn’t always recognize them. I’ve only watched a few episodes of Bojack Horseman, but this quote has really stuck with me because it’s so dead on:

We often get so excited in a new relationship while still wearing our rose colored glasses that we don’t see the red flags.

Or even worse: we see the red flags, but they are only slightly red (I mean, really more pink than anything, right?) and we brush them off. I can’t count the number of times I’ve done that. #yikes

I’m not wanting to talk about the obvious red flags today, though.

We all know the major signs that lead to physical abuse. There is no denying physical abuse is a major problem; nearly 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner during their lifetime (source).

And nearly half of all women and men in the US will experience psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime (source). Abuse is also most prevalent in women between 18-24 by a domestic partner (source).

As a young woman who has dealt with various forms of emotional and psychological abuse in relationships, I want to share some of the red flags I have encountered. Some of these may not be direct abuse, but can often lead to it.

Red Flag #1: They speak poorly about your family and close friends.

I’m not someone who has many friends IRL, but I do spend a lot of time with family. I may occasionally talk shit about someone in my family because I’m venting and my partner may feed it into it, sure. But there is a clear line between venting and being a complete asshole for no reason.

There was one partner I had in particular who regularly said terrible things about my sisters to me. Another constantly talked about how much he didn’t like my friend so-and-so. Neither had real reason to do so, other than to try to manipulate me into distancing myself from those people.

This is a sneaky red flag because they can make it seem like they are just looking out for you. In reality, this is a tactic called isolation. Abusers will attempt to pull you away from the people who truly care about you so that nobody will notice their abusive behaviors.

Red Flag #2: They guilt you into cancelling plans with other people.

This ties into the first red flag and isolation. Typically you can expect one of two behaviors in order to do this: (1) If it is early on in the relationship, they will seem needy or whiny about you spending time with someone besides them. They may imply that they just can’t spend a moment without you, blah blah blah. (2) The longer it takes to isolate you from other people in your life, the angrier they will become about it. They will likely get pissed and accuse you of not caring about them enough, or ditching them to be with friends.

Remember: A healthy relationship is one in which you can freely spend your time with friends, family, and your partner. A trusting and loyal partner will never guilt you into wanting some time with other people who are important in your life.

Red Flag #3: If you have a child/children with someone else, they will discourage a healthy friendship with the child(ren)’s other parent(s).

Let me tell you, of all the things on this list, this one makes me the most angry. When you have a child (or multiple), those children should be the number one priority. Yes, intimacy with your partner is crucial to a healthy relationship. But your child should never suffer because of who you choose as a partner. By essentially asking you to not co-parent your child, your partner is being a real piece of garbage.

Now while this may not necessarily lead to abuse, it certainly affects the parent-child relationship negatively. A good partner will always encourage good and civil communication between you and your child’s other parent. Someone who fosters drama and negativity in that relationship is not worth your time.

Red Flag #4: They drink or party in excess.

Late teens and early twenties are a weird time. It often leads to drinking and experimenting with drugs, both of which can lead down a darker path if you don’t know when to quit or have a predisposition for addiction. But for an adult to continue doing so? Gonna hop on the Nope Train for that one.

Red Flag #5: You feel like you can’t be completely honest or yourself with them.

This one sucks because even though it may not be an abuse-related red flag, it certainly can lead to the demise of any relationship. If you’re with someone who makes you feel like you have to put on a mask, you’re with the wrong person.

I’ve done this a handful of times myself because I refused to learn from my mistakes. But nothing feels good about hiding parts of you from your partner. The right person will make you feel like you can be 110% you. You will never feel like you are too much or not enough. If you don’t feel that way with your partner, own up to it and get out before it’s too late and you wind up married in a city you hate with a person you don’t love.

Red Flag #6: They make you feel bad about wanting more for yourself.

At one point in time, I considered going to grad school. And my partner at the time accused me of being selfish for wanting to do that for myself. He said I was only trying to take time away from us, blah blah blah. And running a blog? Fucking forget about it. I “wasn’t allowed” to want more.

Don’t ever let a partner hold you back from reaching your personal goals. It is absolutely 100% okay for you to want to do things for you and no one else! The right person will never make you feel bad for wanting to better yourself or your life. The right person will encourage it.

Red Flag #7: They try to make you jealous.

I’m going to be blunt: jealousy is not cute. Jealousy is an emotion caused by insecurity and distrust. If you are in a healthy relationship, jealousy will not be an issue at all. With that said, if your partner is purposefully doing things to make you jealous, please leave them.

I have an ex who – when finding out I had become Facebook friends with my daughter’s father again – added his ex on Facebook just to upset me. He had zero reason to, other than out of spite. And yes, this is the same one who discouraged a healthy relationship between me and my daughter’s father. Shocker.

Red Flag #8: They take advantage of you financially.

Once upon a time I lived in a studio apartment and let my boyfriend at the time move in without paying rent or buying groceries or even cleaning up after himself. It was okay at first because he had a job and helped with food. But eventually he quit working, caused us both to total our vehicles (long story) resulting in no reliable transportation, and didn’t pay a single fucking bill. Do yourself a favor and steer clear of broke ass bums.

On the other end of things, financial abusers may attempt to control your money. A friend of mine has gone through this, and from what I understand these types will seize all of your income and hold you hostage financially. You can’t leave no matter how badly they treat you because you have no money and nowhere to go. Always keep a secret savings account for your own safety, because you just never know.

Red Flag #9: They tear down your self esteem.

This can happen in a few ways: (1) They build you up so you believe they love you, only to break you down so you feel like nobody else will love you the way they do. (2) They chip away at your self esteem slowly with backhanded compliments, making you question your own self worth. (3) They withhold love and affection until you give them what they want, making you feel unworthy of being loved.

A good partner will never make you feel like you are less than. If you are with someone who does any of those things (or a variation of), find someone who will treat you the way you deserve.

Red Flag #10: They use physical intimidation.

Anger issues are nothing to fuck with. If your partner cannot control their anger or tries to intimidate you physically by breaking things, punching walls, etc it is time to leave them. It may not be physical either. Maybe they get right up to your face and scream at you. Been there, left that.

Red Flag #11: You worry which version of them you will be coming home to each day.

Some days they are the sweetest person, showering you with affection. Other days… not so much. And I mean that in a scary way. Do you worry they’re going to be completely wasted when you get home, or already halfway there? Or do you know they had a bad day at work and will likely take it out on you verbally or physically? Nobody should have to fear for their safety in their own home. If you do, you are with the wrong person.

Red Flag #12: GASLIGHTING.

So much could be said on this, but I’ll just leave a link to 11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting. If you don’t know what gaslighting it, please familiarize yourself with the tactics mentioned in that article so you can recognize it if it happens or is happening to you. Essentially it is brainwashing you so they have control over you.

Some of these may not look like red flags in certain settings, but they can quickly escalate.

As a disclaimer, I am by no means a professional on human behavior. Please use your best judgment in your own situation, but keep your eyes open. And please take off your rose colored glasses so you can see clearly.